Avarice is a sin, and Akashi knows that, but he lets it claw its way into his heart anyway, making its home there.
Perhaps it runs in the family, with the way that his father always demands the best, wanting more and more out of Akashi until he doesn't feel like there's anything else left for him to give. He can try, he can wring himself dry, and he does, day after day. It's never enough. Not for his father, not for his expectations.
Eventually, Akashi starts to forget the meaning of enough.
The only thing that gives him any sort of control is the voice that sits at the back of his mind, making him feel guilty for his greed. He wants victory, he wants to be the best the way that he's expected to, but he can fee the way that it stops being about the expectations heaped upon him and starts being about himself.
He wants to win because he wants to prove that he is the best. No matter what kind of competition it might be, he will accept no equal, he will accept no challenge. He will eave anyone foolish enough to step in his path reeling, brought down to their knees, because that's the kind of person that he is. He will do everything he can to make sure that he's the only one standing at the very top.
For some reason, however, this greed doesn't feel the same as what he feels when he looks at Midorima.
There's something about Midorima Shintarou that fills Akashi with the desire to make him his own. He's already halfway there, he thinks, with the way that Midorima follows at his heel no matter where he goes; the way Midorima defers to him, their families running in the same social circles, clearly knowing where his family stands, in comparison to Akashi's.
But it's more than that, too. It's not dominance that Akashi wants, because that's the kind of thing that he can achieve without even having to bat an eyelid. He doesn't want Midorima on his knees, not when it comes to this.
He wants Midorima standing beside him, he thinks. He wants Midorima's smiles to be for him, he wants something like familiarity with Midorima, unlike what they already have. He wants more and he doesn't quite know how to put it into words; he doesn't know how to express it at all, other than the guilt that sits heavily in his chest like a stone, making him feel that whatever he wants, it's too much.
He doesn't know why the line is drawn here of all places. he doesn't know why he can't allow himself to want Midorima, the same way he wants victory.
Perhaps because it's not something that is expected of him. Something that won't be accepted, and that only makes him feel even guiltier, until it eats away at him and his heart feels so heavy that it makes Akashi want to carve it out and cast it aside, because it's never helped him. It's only ever gotten in his way, in every kind of competition he's participated in.
There are no room for feelings, no room for any desire other than the desire to win.
So Akashi does the same as what he always does with unnecessary things; he excises it, casts it out, lets it wither away into nothing.
FILL: Team Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru, T
word count: 581
Avarice is a sin, and Akashi knows that, but he lets it claw its way into his heart anyway, making its home there.
Perhaps it runs in the family, with the way that his father always demands the best, wanting more and more out of Akashi until he doesn't feel like there's anything else left for him to give. He can try, he can wring himself dry, and he does, day after day. It's never enough. Not for his father, not for his expectations.
Eventually, Akashi starts to forget the meaning of enough.
The only thing that gives him any sort of control is the voice that sits at the back of his mind, making him feel guilty for his greed. He wants victory, he wants to be the best the way that he's expected to, but he can fee the way that it stops being about the expectations heaped upon him and starts being about himself.
He wants to win because he wants to prove that he is the best. No matter what kind of competition it might be, he will accept no equal, he will accept no challenge. He will eave anyone foolish enough to step in his path reeling, brought down to their knees, because that's the kind of person that he is. He will do everything he can to make sure that he's the only one standing at the very top.
For some reason, however, this greed doesn't feel the same as what he feels when he looks at Midorima.
There's something about Midorima Shintarou that fills Akashi with the desire to make him his own. He's already halfway there, he thinks, with the way that Midorima follows at his heel no matter where he goes; the way Midorima defers to him, their families running in the same social circles, clearly knowing where his family stands, in comparison to Akashi's.
But it's more than that, too. It's not dominance that Akashi wants, because that's the kind of thing that he can achieve without even having to bat an eyelid. He doesn't want Midorima on his knees, not when it comes to this.
He wants Midorima standing beside him, he thinks. He wants Midorima's smiles to be for him, he wants something like familiarity with Midorima, unlike what they already have. He wants more and he doesn't quite know how to put it into words; he doesn't know how to express it at all, other than the guilt that sits heavily in his chest like a stone, making him feel that whatever he wants, it's too much.
He doesn't know why the line is drawn here of all places. he doesn't know why he can't allow himself to want Midorima, the same way he wants victory.
Perhaps because it's not something that is expected of him. Something that won't be accepted, and that only makes him feel even guiltier, until it eats away at him and his heart feels so heavy that it makes Akashi want to carve it out and cast it aside, because it's never helped him. It's only ever gotten in his way, in every kind of competition he's participated in.
There are no room for feelings, no room for any desire other than the desire to win.
So Akashi does the same as what he always does with unnecessary things; he excises it, casts it out, lets it wither away into nothing.
He is an emperor, and Midorima is his general.
That is enough.