Ship: Oikawa Tooru/Oikawa Tooru Fandom: Haikyuu!! Major Tags: None Other Tags: angst, self issues and trying to overcome them Square: Tell a lie Word Count: 471 words
This deals a bit on the topic of self-love and self-hate but I've tried to keep it mild and with a hopeful ending! Still, please tread carefully in case u don't feel so good about these ;;
***
The radio plays a song Tooru's never heard before and it sings of love and pain and the electricity they bring to one's heart.
Love yourself, love yourself, the singer croons, mellow and smooth, the words washing down the back of Tooru's brain like a quick slosh of dish water; it leaves him feeling unsteady, as if some part of him has been dirtied. love yourself before you wrap yourself up for somebody else.
He shuts the radio off, then. He doesn't know why he's unable to continue listening.
Tooru simply decides he never wants to hear the song ever again.
***
Sometimes he gets these nightmares.
He'll dream a dream where he's back on the courts of Kitagawa Daiichi, endlessly practicing his jump serves in the bubble of a faceless crowd.
Volleyballs will be slammed with no mercy, no room for breaks in between, and the people around him cheer on and on and on like an echo he can never filter out.
Keep at it, Tooru! Keep going, Tooru! Keep hiding your pain, Tooru!
As if on cue, his lungs will burn and his limbs will ache, his whole body finally realising it's been pushing itself to a point where agony is a second name.
But he can't stop himself.
Every movement becomes an unwilling sort of clockwork; stilted, unwanted, bones creaking to the tune of a personal cog machine.
Then, an insidious whisper: he's like that because he can't love himself.
And everything stops: the whispers, the cheering, the background hum of volleyballs rolling.
In the silence that reigns within, Tooru will find himself face to face with another him, who smiles, and it's the most heartbreaking thing he's ever seen his own face make.
It's okay, this version of him tells Tooru. It's okay, it's okay, you're trying.
Warm hands will cup his face and chapped lips meet his forehead in a kiss.
Tooru doesn't wake up crying but it's a near thing on certain mornings.
***
In order to change, he decides he'll tell himself lies.
He tries to keep it at a weekly basis, bringing himself to a mirror and forcing to look himself in the eyes, and recites four things he thinks he loves about himself.
I love my hair usually comes first because that's the closest to a truth; he only doesn't like it when it gets too long and starts being too warm at the back of his neck.
I love my height. It gives him something to lord over Iwaizumi still.
I love my hands. Even moreso since he's a setter.
I love myself. That comes out the hardest, clearly still a work in progress.
Still, it's a start and Tooru is willing to fight.
(With himself, for himself, in memory of the other him that never gave up on believing.)
FILL: TEAM MIYUKI KAZUYA/OIKAWA TOORU, A3, G
Fandom: Haikyuu!!
Major Tags: None
Other Tags: angst, self issues and trying to overcome them
Square: Tell a lie
Word Count: 471 words
This deals a bit on the topic of self-love and self-hate but I've tried to keep it mild and with a hopeful ending! Still, please tread carefully in case u don't feel so good about these ;;
***
The radio plays a song Tooru's never heard before and it sings of love and pain and the electricity they bring to one's heart.
Love yourself, love yourself, the singer croons, mellow and smooth, the words washing down the back of Tooru's brain like a quick slosh of dish water; it leaves him feeling unsteady, as if some part of him has been dirtied. love yourself before you wrap yourself up for somebody else.
He shuts the radio off, then. He doesn't know why he's unable to continue listening.
Tooru simply decides he never wants to hear the song ever again.
***
Sometimes he gets these nightmares.
He'll dream a dream where he's back on the courts of Kitagawa Daiichi, endlessly practicing his jump serves in the bubble of a faceless crowd.
Volleyballs will be slammed with no mercy, no room for breaks in between, and the people around him cheer on and on and on like an echo he can never filter out.
Keep at it, Tooru! Keep going, Tooru! Keep hiding your pain, Tooru!
As if on cue, his lungs will burn and his limbs will ache, his whole body finally realising it's been pushing itself to a point where agony is a second name.
But he can't stop himself.
Every movement becomes an unwilling sort of clockwork; stilted, unwanted, bones creaking to the tune of a personal cog machine.
Then, an insidious whisper: he's like that because he can't love himself.
And everything stops: the whispers, the cheering, the background hum of volleyballs rolling.
In the silence that reigns within, Tooru will find himself face to face with another him, who smiles, and it's the most heartbreaking thing he's ever seen his own face make.
It's okay, this version of him tells Tooru. It's okay, it's okay, you're trying.
Warm hands will cup his face and chapped lips meet his forehead in a kiss.
Tooru doesn't wake up crying but it's a near thing on certain mornings.
***
In order to change, he decides he'll tell himself lies.
He tries to keep it at a weekly basis, bringing himself to a mirror and forcing to look himself in the eyes, and recites four things he thinks he loves about himself.
I love my hair usually comes first because that's the closest to a truth; he only doesn't like it when it gets too long and starts being too warm at the back of his neck.
I love my height. It gives him something to lord over Iwaizumi still.
I love my hands. Even moreso since he's a setter.
I love myself. That comes out the hardest, clearly still a work in progress.
Still, it's a start and Tooru is willing to fight.
(With himself, for himself, in memory of the other him that never gave up on believing.)