Depression, Angst; 734 words (pre-reconciliation fic set somewhere in season 1, episode 8)
(What am I doing? I'm an artist!)
2 AM again.
Rin turned his eyes away from the clock and back to the ceiling. The euphoria of victory he expected faded out hours ago-- faded out, more like he felt dropped into ice-cold water with the sudden shock. Now the familiar confusing thoughts kept him from falling asleep. And he was so looking forward to having a different reason to stay up late. Rin's victories feel so few and far between, he wanted to savor it a little longer.
He found his mind restless again. Trying to block it out worked as well as it had been for years. When was the last time he slept well? Always the same questions gnawing on his mind the moment he laid his head on the pillow. But today these thoughts only grew louder and more insistent.
Again, his goals never turned out the way he planned. Years passed, bitterness grew, and now Rin didn't see Haru as the boy he swam the relay with. The image faded into this phantom that always stood ahead of him. The phantom that he finally caught up to and overtook.
"I'll never swim with you again."
But then why did he feel...
He thought that things would go right for him now. The first time he managed to really feel like he achieved something in years. He thought this would be the sign that he's on the right path, and all the humiliation wasn't for nothing. Rin defeated his greatest rival, he thought. But he doesn't feel like he's won.
When did it become so warm in this room? He had to get out of here.
Good thing Nitori fell asleep a long time ago. Rin already saw his head resting against the window of the bus earlier, exhausted from the day's races. Careful to make no sound, Rin slipped on his running shoes and headed out the door.
Until he felt the outside air, Rin didn't realize how hot his face had become. The slight breeze caused by running helped a little, but the summer night air in his lungs hurt with its warmth.
Why did Makoto remind him of the past? Or better yet, why did Rin feel something - like some line of defense - shattered, by a few words? Words that couldn't be true. Haru was the same as he ever was, Rin could see that much. That unshakable gaze and that "free" nonsense he always spouted-- no, he hadn't changed at all. Why would he think that one swimming event could be enough to really change anything? Rin needed to put childish thoughts away, any ideas about Haru thinking fondly of that time.
But it still invaded his mind.
An image of the Iwatobi swim club relay passed through his mind. All the sounds of the audience a dull ringing in his ear, Rin seconds away from completing his leg. The butterfly stroke burned in his arms, but Rin didn't lose his concentration, only watching his goal. As he stretched his arm forward to touch the goal, by instinct he looked up to watch Haru dive in. He shouldn't have. Because in that moment, Haru stole his heart. And after even defeating him in a race, Rin couldn't win it back from him.
Rin hurried his pace, forcing himself to focus on where he's going. In his thoughts, he ran farther from the academy into areas he didn't recognize. He only signed up for the hundred meter free, so he could afford to run until he's exhausted. And he would remember the way back.
When he returned to his room, hoping Nitori was still in deep sleep, Rin didn't look at the clock.
The second day of prefecturals, Rin joined the team even without any event left for him to do. He only came on captain's orders. Iwatobi didn't have any other events today either, he remembered.
"Rin-senpai, are you going with the team?"
Nitori and some other teammates Rin didn't know all looked at him.
"I'll catch up later."
Rin turned to the window by his seat before he could see the faces they made in response. He needed some time to think.
FILL: TEAM MATSUOKA RIN/NANASE HARUKA, G
(What am I doing? I'm an artist!)
2 AM again.
Rin turned his eyes away from the clock and back to the ceiling. The euphoria of victory he expected faded out hours ago-- faded out, more like he felt dropped into ice-cold water with the sudden shock. Now the familiar confusing thoughts kept him from falling asleep. And he was so looking forward to having a different reason to stay up late. Rin's victories feel so few and far between, he wanted to savor it a little longer.
He found his mind restless again. Trying to block it out worked as well as it had been for years. When was the last time he slept well? Always the same questions gnawing on his mind the moment he laid his head on the pillow. But today these thoughts only grew louder and more insistent.
Again, his goals never turned out the way he planned. Years passed, bitterness grew, and now Rin didn't see Haru as the boy he swam the relay with. The image faded into this phantom that always stood ahead of him. The phantom that he finally caught up to and overtook.
"I'll never swim with you again."
But then why did he feel...
He thought that things would go right for him now. The first time he managed to really feel like he achieved something in years. He thought this would be the sign that he's on the right path, and all the humiliation wasn't for nothing. Rin defeated his greatest rival, he thought. But he doesn't feel like he's won.
When did it become so warm in this room? He had to get out of here.
Good thing Nitori fell asleep a long time ago. Rin already saw his head resting against the window of the bus earlier, exhausted from the day's races. Careful to make no sound, Rin slipped on his running shoes and headed out the door.
Until he felt the outside air, Rin didn't realize how hot his face had become. The slight breeze caused by running helped a little, but the summer night air in his lungs hurt with its warmth.
Why did Makoto remind him of the past? Or better yet, why did Rin feel something - like some line of defense - shattered, by a few words? Words that couldn't be true. Haru was the same as he ever was, Rin could see that much. That unshakable gaze and that "free" nonsense he always spouted-- no, he hadn't changed at all. Why would he think that one swimming event could be enough to really change anything? Rin needed to put childish thoughts away, any ideas about Haru thinking fondly of that time.
But it still invaded his mind.
An image of the Iwatobi swim club relay passed through his mind. All the sounds of the audience a dull ringing in his ear, Rin seconds away from completing his leg. The butterfly stroke burned in his arms, but Rin didn't lose his concentration, only watching his goal. As he stretched his arm forward to touch the goal, by instinct he looked up to watch Haru dive in. He shouldn't have. Because in that moment, Haru stole his heart. And after even defeating him in a race, Rin couldn't win it back from him.
Rin hurried his pace, forcing himself to focus on where he's going. In his thoughts, he ran farther from the academy into areas he didn't recognize. He only signed up for the hundred meter free, so he could afford to run until he's exhausted. And he would remember the way back.
When he returned to his room, hoping Nitori was still in deep sleep, Rin didn't look at the clock.
The second day of prefecturals, Rin joined the team even without any event left for him to do. He only came on captain's orders. Iwatobi didn't have any other events today either, he remembered.
"Rin-senpai, are you going with the team?"
Nitori and some other teammates Rin didn't know all looked at him.
"I'll catch up later."
Rin turned to the window by his seat before he could see the faces they made in response. He needed some time to think.