They’re five simple words that would probably make most people happy, but are something Manami fears. Every time Toudou has brought it up, Manami has just brushed it off. Except now he’s serious. Really does want to meet him.
And Manami would like nothing more than that. Would love to meet Toudou in person, see him and talk with him face-to-face instead of just typed messages or video calls over a computer screen.
But doing that would mean Toudou would find out about him, would know that he’s not human, not alive.
And why would he want to be with someone like that? Why would he want to love someone that doesn’t exist and could even disappear?
He’s afraid to throw away any happiness or that exhilarating feeling that he hasn’t felt in so long away. He doesn’t want to. Meeting can risk that, and even if it’s something he wants more than anything, he knows that reaching for that could send everything he wants and has obtained since death crashing down in one instant.
His reply is vague, but he’s not sure what else to say:
I’m not sure that I can.
Why not? Don’t you want to?
Yes, but it’s complicated…
They go back and forth about it for a little bit until Manami finally logs off, so he can think of something more concrete to say. Either a better excuse or an explanation. He has to make some sort of decision, and soon.
…
“Still daydreaming, Sangaku?”
“Ah, sorry, class rep.” Manami smiles at her, pushing his closed laptop aside. “You know me.”
“I do.” Miyahara’s smile is not sad, not like it used to be when they first conversed like this after his death. And there’s no longer a look of disbelief in her eyes or the musings that she must be dreaming when they talk like they had when they were children—her on the balcony, him sitting on his bed. They’ve both grown used to this, and besides him no longer being alive and completely there physically, she can still see him and speak with him. Just like always.
After a moment of silence, she sighs softly. “You look like you do whenever you’d be thinking about bicycles in class.”
“Ah… I was just thinking about something that came up.” He rubs the back of his head a little sheepishly.
“Is this about your friend online? That boy you told me about?”
It’s a little surprising that she knew that. He hadn’t been expecting her to. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I’ve only ever seen that look on your face when you’re thinking about bicycles or him.”
The words really aren’t surprising because Manami knows that Toudou makes him feel the most alive, the happiest he has since he was living and able to ride a bicycle, but the fact that she notices it does surprise him for a moment. Maybe it really isn’t so surprising, though. Miyahara has been his only friend when he’s had no one, probably understands him better than most people do, even now.
It’s nice to have someone there, to not be alone.
“He wants to meet,” Manami says softly after a moment. “But I’m not sure how to explain this… or me.”
“You want to meet him, don’t you?” Miyahara rests her hands on her hips, leaning forward a little. “That would make you happy, wouldn’t it?”
“Yes. But I’m not sure—”
“The Sangaku I know is never afraid to try something,” she says softly. “You always face whatever it is head on. Remember when you rode that bicycle for the first time?”
He looks at the ceiling, illuminated by the setting sun, a little fondly as he thinks of the memory. The feeling in his chest back then, the way he felt truly alive for the first time in his life—it’s unforgettable. And he had worked to feel that same way again, to get better and obtain that kind of happiness. He had vowed to back then.
“Yeah, that was fun.” He smiles, suddenly feeling nostalgic. “I wish we could have ridden together again. I wanted to beat you.”
She laughs a little, a fond one. “You would have. I know it.” A pause. “You’ve always been so far ahead of me, after all.”
He opens his mouth to respond, but she continues quickly, hands gripping the railing of the balcony tightly as she leans forward. “Chase after what you want, Sangaku. Go after that feeling, even if it means doing something that’s difficult or you’re afraid of. You deserve it, and I’ll be angry if you hold yourself back!”
Manami laughs, standing up and moving to the window. The space between them isn’t that much, enough that he can easily get over there.
She jumps in surprise when he’s suddenly next to her, sitting on the railing. “Sangaku—!”
“Thanks, class rep.” He smiles, reaches down and touches her hand. Even though neither can feel the normal sensation of a human touch shared between them, he knows she’ll understand what he means. “And you’re really not far behind me at all. You never have been.”
She pushes up her glasses, cheeks a little red. “I can never tell what you mean, Manami Sangaku.”
“Thanks.” He leans back from his seat on the railing, hanging from it upside down as he looks up at her. “Thanks for everything.”
“You make it sound like goodbye.” Out of habit, she reaches out to pull him up, even though her touch will pass right through him. “And don’t hang from there!”
A quiet laugh before he sits back up again. “It’s never goodbye, you know. Even if I do disappear.”
“I’ll catch you, one day,” she says in a determined voice, one he’s grown so used to in the years they’ve grown up together.
“I’m the one who has to catch you, remember?”
“I won’t forgive you if you don’t, then.” She smiles again, leans a little closer to him. “Go after what you want. Be happy.”
He smiles back, leans closer too. “I will.”
…
Later that night, he sees that Toudou has sent him a message.
Hey, Manami, if you don’t want to meet yet, that’s okay. I’m happy just talking to you like this until you’re ready.
After a moment, he replies:
It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s something else…
What?
He hesitates for a moment, knowing that he has to say it, that he wants to, but still is afraid of how Toudou will respond if he just says it outright. I’m not who you think I am.
Toudou’s reply comes a little slower than usual. Oh, so you’ve been lying to me over the internet? Ohh. scary. Also, not unheard of. So, what’s the big secret? Your name? Your age? Don’t want to tell me where you live or something?
It would be easy to lie. Easy to continue this and remain the way they have been. To stay back and feel only remnants of that feeling of being alive instead of reaching to experience it fully rather than go after it again.
But he thinks of Miyahara’s words, what she said about being happy. Truly happy. And maybe trying to reach that means that Toudou will want to avoid him and he’ll go back to being stagnant and alone and lonely like had had before. Maybe it even means he’ll eventually disappear if he finally does get that. But trying is what matters. He has to push forward. He has to try.
I’m dead.
Nice joke!!
It’s not a joke. I died a while ago. I’m a ghost.
He pauses, considers waiting for Toudou’s response, but just ends up typing another quick message and then closes the laptop immediately after, too afraid to look at what Toudou will say right away. I’m sorry for lying to you for so long.
…
Later, he gathers up the courage to check for a response, and sees that Toudou has sent him a few messages back.
Hey.
Hey, Sangaku.
I’m not mad, if you’re wondering. I don’t really understand, though, so it would be nice if you didn’t leave someone hanging and get offline after a revelation like that. It’s pretty rude, you know!
You don’t have to worry. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything.
I still like you…
I still love you.
I’m online if you want to talk. Whenever you’re ready, okay?
…
He logs back onto skype soon after reading the messages. Toudou is online, just as promised, even though it’s late at night by now.
He presses the call button, and waits, figuring that actually talking about this would be better than instant messaging. After a moment, the call connects, and Toudou’s face is on the screen. His hair is slightly mused, probably from sleep, and his eyes look tired. But his face seems to light up when he sees Manami, the beginnings of a smile on his lips.
“Well, if it isn’t Mr. ‘I’m not who you think I am’!” Toudou laughs a little at his own joke, sounding a little sleepy still. It makes Manami smile. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“It’s nice to see you too.”
Toudou hums softly, as if he’s agreeing with Manami’s words. “So, you ready to explain?”
“Yes, but I don’t really know where to start…”
Toudou shifts on his bed, and pushes his bangs off of his face. “Wherever you need to. I’m listening. I’m here.”
The words are both encouraging and a little terrifying. “Okay. Thanks, Toudou-san.”
And after a moment of comfortable silence that he uses to find his words, Manami finally explains the truth to him.
…
Tomorrow, then?
Okay… but Toudou-san, are you really sure…?
If I wasn’t, I’d tell you. You know that.
Okay. Tomorrow, then.
v.
Seeing Toudou, really seeing him for the first time, makes Manami feel the closest to when he did when he was alive than he ever has—if not more so, the joy and adrenaline reverberating through his veins when he catches sight of Toudou walking toward their designated meeting spot.
“You still look pale. It’s definitely not the computer lighting’s fault. Liar.” Toudou smiles, although looks a little unsure of what to do next, lifts his hand and then drops it. “I’m happy to see you, though.”
“Me too.” Manami smiles, bright and genuine, the happiness he feels overwhelming. “Whoa, you’re fading a little!”
“Oh…” He looks down at where his hands and wrists have become a little less visible than the rest of him, more transparent. “Yeah, that happens when I get excited or happy sometimes. Sorry.”
Toudou laughs. “No, it’s cute.”
They’re silent for a moment, just stand there looking at each other. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, not at all. Instead, it feels like this is how it should be. How it’s meant to be.
Manami reaches forward, touches Toudou’s hand, entwines their fingers together like he would if they could share a touch like this for real, where they could both feel it instead of Toudou just feeling cold air brushing against his skin.
“Cold,” Toudou mutters, but smiles at the touch. “Kind of like the wind at the end of fall.”
“I like the wind,” Manami says with a laugh.
Toudou laughs too. “I know.”
After a moment of silence, Manami continues, “Hey, Toudou-san… I’m glad I met you. Thanks for making me feel more alive than I ever have before. Thanks for loving me.”
Even though they’re not really touching, it feels like they are. And the way Toudou is looking at him, the loving and fond look in his eyes, the slight blush on his cheeks makes it feel real. Makes him feel real again.
“Of course. Just don’t go disappearing on me now that I’ve just met you. I wouldn’t forgive you, if you stood me up on a date like that!”
The overwhelming happiness he feels right then is better than anything he’s felt before, and he laughs. “I promise I won’t.”
Maybe being a ghost, stuck between two worlds isn’t something bad after all. Because honestly, he feels just as alive as any living and breathing human would. Maybe even more so.
FILL: TEAM IWAIZUMI HAJIME/OIKAWA TOORU (CONTINUED), T
I want to meet you.
They’re five simple words that would probably make most people happy, but are something Manami fears. Every time Toudou has brought it up, Manami has just brushed it off. Except now he’s serious. Really does want to meet him.
And Manami would like nothing more than that. Would love to meet Toudou in person, see him and talk with him face-to-face instead of just typed messages or video calls over a computer screen.
But doing that would mean Toudou would find out about him, would know that he’s not human, not alive.
And why would he want to be with someone like that? Why would he want to love someone that doesn’t exist and could even disappear?
He’s afraid to throw away any happiness or that exhilarating feeling that he hasn’t felt in so long away. He doesn’t want to. Meeting can risk that, and even if it’s something he wants more than anything, he knows that reaching for that could send everything he wants and has obtained since death crashing down in one instant.
His reply is vague, but he’s not sure what else to say:
I’m not sure that I can.
Why not? Don’t you want to?
Yes, but it’s complicated…
They go back and forth about it for a little bit until Manami finally logs off, so he can think of something more concrete to say. Either a better excuse or an explanation. He has to make some sort of decision, and soon.
“Still daydreaming, Sangaku?”
“Ah, sorry, class rep.” Manami smiles at her, pushing his closed laptop aside. “You know me.”
“I do.” Miyahara’s smile is not sad, not like it used to be when they first conversed like this after his death. And there’s no longer a look of disbelief in her eyes or the musings that she must be dreaming when they talk like they had when they were children—her on the balcony, him sitting on his bed. They’ve both grown used to this, and besides him no longer being alive and completely there physically, she can still see him and speak with him. Just like always.
After a moment of silence, she sighs softly. “You look like you do whenever you’d be thinking about bicycles in class.”
“Ah… I was just thinking about something that came up.” He rubs the back of his head a little sheepishly.
“Is this about your friend online? That boy you told me about?”
It’s a little surprising that she knew that. He hadn’t been expecting her to. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I’ve only ever seen that look on your face when you’re thinking about bicycles or him.”
The words really aren’t surprising because Manami knows that Toudou makes him feel the most alive, the happiest he has since he was living and able to ride a bicycle, but the fact that she notices it does surprise him for a moment. Maybe it really isn’t so surprising, though. Miyahara has been his only friend when he’s had no one, probably understands him better than most people do, even now.
It’s nice to have someone there, to not be alone.
“He wants to meet,” Manami says softly after a moment. “But I’m not sure how to explain this… or me.”
“You want to meet him, don’t you?” Miyahara rests her hands on her hips, leaning forward a little. “That would make you happy, wouldn’t it?”
“Yes. But I’m not sure—”
“The Sangaku I know is never afraid to try something,” she says softly. “You always face whatever it is head on. Remember when you rode that bicycle for the first time?”
He looks at the ceiling, illuminated by the setting sun, a little fondly as he thinks of the memory. The feeling in his chest back then, the way he felt truly alive for the first time in his life—it’s unforgettable. And he had worked to feel that same way again, to get better and obtain that kind of happiness. He had vowed to back then.
“Yeah, that was fun.” He smiles, suddenly feeling nostalgic. “I wish we could have ridden together again. I wanted to beat you.”
She laughs a little, a fond one. “You would have. I know it.” A pause. “You’ve always been so far ahead of me, after all.”
He opens his mouth to respond, but she continues quickly, hands gripping the railing of the balcony tightly as she leans forward. “Chase after what you want, Sangaku. Go after that feeling, even if it means doing something that’s difficult or you’re afraid of. You deserve it, and I’ll be angry if you hold yourself back!”
Manami laughs, standing up and moving to the window. The space between them isn’t that much, enough that he can easily get over there.
She jumps in surprise when he’s suddenly next to her, sitting on the railing. “Sangaku—!”
“Thanks, class rep.” He smiles, reaches down and touches her hand. Even though neither can feel the normal sensation of a human touch shared between them, he knows she’ll understand what he means. “And you’re really not far behind me at all. You never have been.”
She pushes up her glasses, cheeks a little red. “I can never tell what you mean, Manami Sangaku.”
“Thanks.” He leans back from his seat on the railing, hanging from it upside down as he looks up at her. “Thanks for everything.”
“You make it sound like goodbye.” Out of habit, she reaches out to pull him up, even though her touch will pass right through him. “And don’t hang from there!”
A quiet laugh before he sits back up again. “It’s never goodbye, you know. Even if I do disappear.”
“I’ll catch you, one day,” she says in a determined voice, one he’s grown so used to in the years they’ve grown up together.
“I’m the one who has to catch you, remember?”
“I won’t forgive you if you don’t, then.” She smiles again, leans a little closer to him. “Go after what you want. Be happy.”
He smiles back, leans closer too. “I will.”
Later that night, he sees that Toudou has sent him a message.
Hey, Manami, if you don’t want to meet yet, that’s okay. I’m happy just talking to you like this until you’re ready.
After a moment, he replies:
It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s something else…
What?
He hesitates for a moment, knowing that he has to say it, that he wants to, but still is afraid of how Toudou will respond if he just says it outright. I’m not who you think I am.
Toudou’s reply comes a little slower than usual. Oh, so you’ve been lying to me over the internet? Ohh. scary. Also, not unheard of. So, what’s the big secret? Your name? Your age? Don’t want to tell me where you live or something?
It would be easy to lie. Easy to continue this and remain the way they have been. To stay back and feel only remnants of that feeling of being alive instead of reaching to experience it fully rather than go after it again.
But he thinks of Miyahara’s words, what she said about being happy. Truly happy. And maybe trying to reach that means that Toudou will want to avoid him and he’ll go back to being stagnant and alone and lonely like had had before. Maybe it even means he’ll eventually disappear if he finally does get that. But trying is what matters. He has to push forward. He has to try.
I’m dead.
Nice joke!!
It’s not a joke. I died a while ago. I’m a ghost.
He pauses, considers waiting for Toudou’s response, but just ends up typing another quick message and then closes the laptop immediately after, too afraid to look at what Toudou will say right away. I’m sorry for lying to you for so long.
Later, he gathers up the courage to check for a response, and sees that Toudou has sent him a few messages back.
Hey.
Hey, Sangaku.
I’m not mad, if you’re wondering. I don’t really understand, though, so it would be nice if you didn’t leave someone hanging and get offline after a revelation like that. It’s pretty rude, you know!
You don’t have to worry. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything.
I still like you…
I still love you.
I’m online if you want to talk. Whenever you’re ready, okay?
He logs back onto skype soon after reading the messages. Toudou is online, just as promised, even though it’s late at night by now.
He presses the call button, and waits, figuring that actually talking about this would be better than instant messaging. After a moment, the call connects, and Toudou’s face is on the screen. His hair is slightly mused, probably from sleep, and his eyes look tired. But his face seems to light up when he sees Manami, the beginnings of a smile on his lips.
“Well, if it isn’t Mr. ‘I’m not who you think I am’!” Toudou laughs a little at his own joke, sounding a little sleepy still. It makes Manami smile. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“It’s nice to see you too.”
Toudou hums softly, as if he’s agreeing with Manami’s words. “So, you ready to explain?”
“Yes, but I don’t really know where to start…”
Toudou shifts on his bed, and pushes his bangs off of his face. “Wherever you need to. I’m listening. I’m here.”
The words are both encouraging and a little terrifying. “Okay. Thanks, Toudou-san.”
And after a moment of comfortable silence that he uses to find his words, Manami finally explains the truth to him.
Tomorrow, then?
Okay… but Toudou-san, are you really sure…?
If I wasn’t, I’d tell you. You know that.
Okay. Tomorrow, then.
v.
Seeing Toudou, really seeing him for the first time, makes Manami feel the closest to when he did when he was alive than he ever has—if not more so, the joy and adrenaline reverberating through his veins when he catches sight of Toudou walking toward their designated meeting spot.
“You still look pale. It’s definitely not the computer lighting’s fault. Liar.” Toudou smiles, although looks a little unsure of what to do next, lifts his hand and then drops it. “I’m happy to see you, though.”
“Me too.” Manami smiles, bright and genuine, the happiness he feels overwhelming.
“Whoa, you’re fading a little!”
“Oh…” He looks down at where his hands and wrists have become a little less visible than the rest of him, more transparent. “Yeah, that happens when I get excited or happy sometimes. Sorry.”
Toudou laughs. “No, it’s cute.”
They’re silent for a moment, just stand there looking at each other. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, not at all. Instead, it feels like this is how it should be. How it’s meant to be.
Manami reaches forward, touches Toudou’s hand, entwines their fingers together like he would if they could share a touch like this for real, where they could both feel it instead of Toudou just feeling cold air brushing against his skin.
“Cold,” Toudou mutters, but smiles at the touch. “Kind of like the wind at the end of fall.”
“I like the wind,” Manami says with a laugh.
Toudou laughs too. “I know.”
After a moment of silence, Manami continues, “Hey, Toudou-san… I’m glad I met you. Thanks for making me feel more alive than I ever have before. Thanks for loving me.”
Even though they’re not really touching, it feels like they are. And the way Toudou is looking at him, the loving and fond look in his eyes, the slight blush on his cheeks makes it feel real. Makes him feel real again.
“Of course. Just don’t go disappearing on me now that I’ve just met you. I wouldn’t forgive you, if you stood me up on a date like that!”
The overwhelming happiness he feels right then is better than anything he’s felt before, and he laughs. “I promise I won’t.”
Maybe being a ghost, stuck between two worlds isn’t something bad after all. Because honestly, he feels just as alive as any living and breathing human would. Maybe even more so.